


I Will Show You Fear…

by ten9



Series: I Am My Beloved’s [4]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Disturbing Themes, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Non Consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-24
Updated: 2011-04-24
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:18:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ten9/pseuds/ten9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These characters are owned by their respective studios and producers; I make no profit from these stories, they are provided for personal use only and remain the copyright of the author. They may not be reproduced either in whole, in part or posted elsewhere without permission.</p>
    </blockquote>





	I Will Show You Fear…

**Author's Note:**

> These characters are owned by their respective studios and producers; I make no profit from these stories, they are provided for personal use only and remain the copyright of the author. They may not be reproduced either in whole, in part or posted elsewhere without permission.

**I Am My Beloved’s**

**Part 4**

**I Will Show You Fear…**

 

 

 

_“And I will show you something different from either_

_Your shadow at morning striding behind you,_

_Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you_

_I will show you fear in a handful of dust.”_

 

\- _The Burial of the Dead_ , T.S. Eliot

 

 

 

 

She didn’t think it would be this hard.  She had been working with free weights but the Berretta still felt heavy in her hands.  She drew a deep breath and focused her vision on the sites as she extended her arms again, her body unconsciously moving to stand in the Modified Weaver Position; left foot slightly ahead of the right, her body turned slightly to one side, right leg straight.  She had been careful to load only ball ammo in the clip, she’d have to work her way up to the hollow points, knowing a greater recoil accompanied the heavier grain.  Her personal goal was to go through one box of each during her first visit back to the range.

 

She pressed her lips together in concentration and emptied the clip.  She was hitting the small target but her grouping left a lot to be desired.  It was going to take a few trips out here to get back to making the tight cluster slightly above and to the right of the bulls-eye as each round migrated closer and eventually blew out the center of the target.

 

She ejected the clip and began to reload it.  She hadn’t even gone through half a box and already her arm and shoulder ached and shooting pains made the muscles in her hand and fingers twitch uncontrollably until she finally fumbled and dropped one of the bullets.  She stopped and dropped her hand to her side, mindful of her breathing as she alternated shaking out her hand then balling it into a tight fist.

 

“You okay?”  Daniel asked from the table next to her,

 

“Yeah,” She nodded and pulled off her earphones, “Just thought I’d last longer than this.”

 

Daniel opened his mouth then abruptly clamped it shut.  He was about to offer some words of reassurance but didn’t want to sound condescending.  Instead he asked,

 

“So, will Janet let the Voyan doctors have a look at you?  Vala swears they have a treatment that can provide a quicker recovery from injuries like yours.”

 

“She’s not gonna’ give them free rein in treating me,” she graced him with a strained, lop-sided grin, “they’ll have to explain everything… and in excruciating detail to her first…”

 

Daniel pursed his lips together in amusement, “To quote your daughter, Cassie, umm; ‘yeah, well… duh?’” Making Sam smile, “After Thanksgiving?”  Daniel pressed, “Vala says they have some sort of similar holiday around that time, but they can see you the week after…”

 

Sam nodded, “Okay, sounds good, Daniel.”  She forced her hand back onto the table and finished reloading the clip, “Weekend after Thanksgiving it is.”  She hesitated, then turned to him again, “I’m sorry, it would have been great having our kids at the same time, but it’s taking me so long to come back from all this… you and Vala shouldn’t wait for me…”

 

“There’s no rush, Sam.”  He shrugged, “It’s not like they were going to be born on the same day….  Let’s see how you and Janet feel after your first visit with the Voyans, okay?”

 

“Okay.”  Sam nodded again.

 

Daniel grinned warmly at her, “Great, is Cassie still coming home for the holidays?”

 

Sam snapped the clip into place and the slide shut with a snap, “Yep, she and her counterpart will switch a few times so we can see my other Cassie.  But she’ll have to fly back out on Saturday morning, the Sunday flights were booked solid.”

 

Daniel shrugged, “Oh well, it’ll be great to see them.”

 

“Yep.”  Sam nodded in agreement then pulled her earphones back on and turned back to the target.  She quietly steeled herself and taking a slow breath, raised her arms back into position.  She focused her vision on the two sites on her weapon, the center of the bulls-eye a fuzzy background. After tightening her hands on the grip, she steadied her aim and finally moved her finger from outside the trigger guard and onto the trigger itself, her concentration total.

 

She had squeezed off her third shot and decided to increase the difficulty by squeezing off two at a time; tap tap, tap tap, tap tap.  Just like her very first weapons instructor had taught her.  But the trembling began in her hand again and she gritted her teeth as her entire body tensed in an effort to steady her hands.  She could feel throbbing in her shoulder and she blinked rapidly as her vision started to blur.  _Goddammit!_   She cursed silently, _enough of this shit already!  I am going to finish this fucking clip…._

 

Her vision had completely closed around the target and for one horrifying moment Sam could swear she was staring down the barrel of a gun.  Pain overwhelmed her as she flinched and she dropped the Berretta, gasping as she stumbled back and fell to her knees.

 

“Sam?”  Daniel quickly placed his weapon on the table and rushed to kneel next to her, tearing off first his safety glasses and earphones, then Sam’s, “Sam, can you hear me?” He clasped her upper arm and reached around her back to hold her other side; inadvertently touching her shoulder and making her cry out, “Oh, jeez Sam, I’m sorry.”  He slid his hand further down her trembling back and eased himself around her, pulling her against him.

 

“I’m...” Sam was about to say she was okay when she suddenly bit her lips together, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head in frustration.  Tears squeezed from her closed eyes and she suddenly erupted in ragged sobs.

 

Daniel tried not to rock her as he held her shaking form against him, afraid of aggravating her shoulder, “It’s okay,” he soothed quietly, “it’s okay, Sam.”

 

“I’m afraid.”  She hiccupped in a strained whisper.

 

“What?”  Daniel murmured against her hair.

 

“It hurts.”  She whispered; her eyes tightly closed as her body continued to tremble.

 

“Well, it was probably too much for your first day out here.”  He tried to reassure her and softly placed both hands on her shoulder, “Let me give this a try,” he said, massaging gently, trying to imitate Janet.  “How’s that?”  He asked, “Too much?”

 

Sam shook her head, “No.” she finally managed and willed herself to relax under his ministrations.  Several minutes passed and Daniel’s confidence grew as he felt Sam relax, if incrementally and he cautiously deepened his touch.  “That’s it,” he crooned softly, “You’ll get there.”  He murmured as he moved his way down her arm, having noticed the uncontrollable twitching in her hand and fingers.

 

Sam finally pulled away from him, shaking her head and sniffing, and wiped her nose on her sleeve, “I don’t know, Daniel.”  She husked, “What if the nerve damage never resolves itself?”  She looked down and gripped the twitching right hand with her left; “I’ll never be fit for duty if I can’t even hold my weapon….” Her chin trembled, “I’ll never be able to pick up my wife again…” A sob escaped her and she pressed her lips together, shaking her head.

 

Daniel sat back on the floor, his brows knit together, “I thought you wanted to stop going through the gate?”  He asked, confused.

 

She gulped and sniffed again, unable to look at him, “I know, Daniel, I… but what if something happens and I’m recalled?”  She turned miserable eyes to him, “What if I’m needed for some crisis and I can’t even hold a gun anymore?”  Her voice broke and she turned away again, shaking her head, “What good am I if I can’t protect Janet?  My family?  The people I…” Her voice abruptly faded and she shrugged helplessly with her good shoulder.

 

Daniel gave her arm a squeeze, “I don’t know the answers to those questions, Sam.  It’s a lot to worry about, though….  I know they’re easy words to say, but let’s wait and see what the Voyan doctors can do for you, okay?  We’re still a family, we’ll figure it out together, alright?”

 

~

 

They stood naked in the middle of the bathroom, their arms wrapped tightly around each other,

 

“Sam,” Janet smiled against her lips, “The water’s hot now.”

 

“Mmm-hmm…” Sam’s lips recaptured Janet’s and she kissed her deeply as she reached back and pulled open the shower door.  Janet chuckled softly and stepped back to grab the safety chair that stood against the wall, “Oh no,” Sam stepped back into the large stall and firmly pulled her wife in, “enough of that damn chair.  I am going to be very good and sit on the molded seat,” She reached behind her and pulled the door shut, “And you are going to sit…” Sam sat down on the seat molded into the wall of the large shower stall and pulled Janet until she was seated on her lap, facing her, “here.” She finished, and wrapping her arms around her once again, pulled her in for another heated kiss.

 

When they finally parted, Janet smiled down at her and chuckled, “Smooth talker.” and reached for the shampoo.  They spent several minutes shampooing and lathering each other with soap when Sam began kissing her again, moaning into Janet’s mouth as her hands stroked and kneaded her breasts, pulling back only long enough to watch, mesmerized as the soap suds were washed away from the sudden cascade of water.  She bent her head to her task, licking and sucking the nipple into her mouth, feeling Janet’s sharp intake of breath,

 

“Sam?”

 

“Mmm?”

 

“I have to get out for a minute.” Janet squirmed to get up.

 

“Why?” Sam refused to let go.

 

“I have to pee, Sam.”

 

Sam smiled up at her and pulled her close, whispering hotly in her ear, “The shower has a drain, Janet.”

 

Janet laughed, “Sam…”

 

Sam suddenly spread her legs, enough to spread Janet’s as she straddled her.  Janet gasped and Sam reached down to fondle her, “Go ahead and go….” She breathed in her ear.

 

“Sam?”  Janet squirmed against the fingers that stroked her ripening folds, clearly aroused, but she was uncomfortable and Sam reassured her, murmuring,

 

“It’s okay, I have to go too.” and spread her legs a little wider.  Closing her eyes, she searched for Janet’s lips and kissed her deeply, and as her tongue lapped in her mouth Janet could hear as Sam began to urinate; the sound and smell was so intoxicating that Janet arched into Sam’s mouth and stroking fingers.  Closing her eyes shut tight in concentration and giving a small grunt she finally released a thick stream of urine, making Sam moan in her mouth.  When they finally broke the kiss both women were breathless and Janet leaned her forehead against Sam’s.

 

“Feel better now?”  Sam whispered, panting.  Janet could only nod and Sam groaned, “Good…” Then licked her lips and turned her head slightly to suckle her wife’s earlobe.

 

Her eyes still tightly closed, Janet pressed herself closer, her tone suddenly pleading, “Please, love, inside me, inside me everywhere…”

 

Without a word, Sam slid a finger inside, plunging her tongue in Janet’s mouth again.  Still holding her close with her other arm, she slid her hand down to massage her backside, inching closer to the cleft until she finally probed at the puckered opening with her finger, making Janet moan in her mouth,

 

Cautiously, Sam pushed until the digit was completely inside, and she pulled Janet even closer as she felt the smaller woman clutch at her and moan softly in her ear.  Keeping her eyes closed, Sam reveled in the sensations as she slowly pumped her fingers in and out alternately, feeling them through the thin membrane that separated one deep channel from the other.

 

“Come on me, Janet.”  She begged her, her voice a hoarse whisper, “I love how cum explodes from you, over and over… let me have it, let me have it all.”  She breathed hotly in her ear as Janet rocked frantically and pressing herself close, cried out as she climaxed, ejaculating hotly on Sam’s lap over and over,

 

“Oh god, Sam, oh god, baby, uhnnn…”

 

“That’s it…” Sam sighed, “That’s it…” She crooned the softly whispered words over and over, holding her close as the waves and convulsions shook Janet to her core. 

 

Gasping for breath, Janet tucked herself under Sam’s chin, against her neck, “Don’t ever let me go.”  She whispered, “Don’t ever let me go, Sam.” She begged, and drew a shuddering breath, struggling to control her emotions.

 

Sam withdrew her fingers and wrapped her arms tightly around her wife, “I won’t.”  She promised, but Janet continued to mumble the desperate words against her neck.  “I promise, Janet.” Sam smoothed back Janet’s wet hair and tilted her face to hers, “I promise.” and placed a tender kiss against trembling lips.  A small whimpering noise escaped Janet’s throat as she kissed her back and when she finally pulled back to look into the deep shade of blue and concern she sniffed and cleared her throat,

 

“I know you do, love.”  She murmured and smiled, if a bit tremulously, “I know.” and placed another soft kiss against her lips.

 

She reached for the soap and slid from Sam’s lap to kneel on the shower floor between Sam’s legs and thoroughly lathered her from the waist down.  Pressing herself close and wrapping her arms around her waist, Janet spent a few minutes licking and sucking on Sam’s breasts until the flesh became taut and both nipples were hard.

 

“Janet…” Sam moaned.

 

“Mmm?”  Janet pulled her lips from the tormented nub.  Sam was clearly aroused but Janet noted with concern how she slumped tiredly against the shower wall and she could feel the slight tremble in Sam’s hands where they rested on her shoulders, “Come on.”  She stood and reached to turn off the water, “Let’s go to bed.”  She opened the shower door and pulled a towel off the rack.

 

“We’re pruney.”  Sam yawned as Janet pulled her from the stall, wrapping the towel around her as she exited.  Sam was so unsteady on her feet Janet pushed her until she was sitting on the toilet seat lid.

 

“Yes, Colonel, honey.”  She drawled, “I guess that means we have accomplished our objective?”  She smiled.

 

“Couldn’t have,” Sam murmured tiredly, “we still had some hot water left.” making Janet chuckle.

 

In spite of her post-coital exhaustion, Sam still playfully licked at Janet’s nipples as she dried her with another towel, “Quit it, you goof.”  Janet admonished her, “I’m not done with you yet.”  She draped a smaller towel on Sam’s head, tousling her wet hair for a moment before grabbing another towel to quickly dry herself.  When she was done she pulled the towel from Sam’s hands, “Your turn,” she grinned wolfishly, “time for bed.”

 

“Uh…” Sam looked uncertain as Janet pulled her from the bathroom, turning off the lights as she pulled Sam to the bed.  She sat down heavily on the mattress and obediently laid back against the pillows as Janet positioned her,

 

“Janet?”

 

Janet pushed Sam’s legs apart then rested the length of herself on top her wife before looking down into reluctant blue, “What is it, sweetheart?”

 

“Don’t, uh, be offended if I fall asleep.”

 

Janet laughed and placed a kiss against her lips, then another against her throat.  She quickly kissed and licked her way down the length of Sam’s body before she finally murmured against the soft, neatly trimmed curls, “It’s okay, sweetheart,” She reassured her, “You’re still gonna’ wake up when I make you come.”

 

~

 

They slept spooned closely together, Sam behind Janet, her arms wrapped around her waist, her left hand cupping Janet’s right breast as both women slept deeply.  As the minutes passed Sam’s breathing pattern changed; eyes darted back and forth behind closed lids and small, keening noises of distress escaped her slightly parted lips.  Her arms suddenly tightened around her wife and she woke with a start, panting slightly as she bit back a groan at the pain in her shoulder and back.  She rolled onto her other side and struggled to sit on the edge of the bed.

 

“Sam?”  Janet rubbed her face with one hand as she rolled over and sat up, “What is it?”

 

Sam’s face was a mask of pain in the darkness, “I, ahh…” She grimaced and hunched her back painfully, “It’s my shoulder again… got a bad cramp…”

 

Janet knelt behind her and cautiously slid her hands over Sam’s shoulder, feeling the twitching muscles beneath scarred skin as Sam winced, “Oh hon,” she murmured sympathetically, “I can feel that.” Expert hands confidently found the pressure points that would stop the cramping and after several long moments Sam finally released an exhausted sigh of relief, “Better?”  Janet murmured.

 

Sam drew another deep breath, “Oh yeah, absolutely.”

 

Janet began massaging the shoulder, starting at Sam’s neck and working her way down Sam’s arm before she turned to her side, “Lie back down and let me get your back.”

 

Instead Sam lay on her back on the mattress, “Oh, thank you; that feels better…” Turning onto her side she pulled until Janet was lying spooned against her again,

 

“Sam…”

 

“That’s okay.” Sam mumbled against her hair, “You don’t need to rub my back.”  She briefly rubbed Janet’s shoulders and back as she drew her arms around her, “I just want to go back to doing this.” She said, cupping Janet’s breast again and pressing herself close.

 

“Okay.”  She could feel the smile in Janet’s voice and the small, strong, soft hands that smoothed over the scarred backs of her own.

 

“Janet?”  Sam tightened her arms around her.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Would you be okay if we let the Voyan doctors have a look at me?  Both Daniel and Vala are convinced they can speed my recovery…” She could feel Janet tense against her, “But only if what they say…”

 

Janet turned in her arms until they were lying face to face, “Sweetheart,” Janet cupped her face in her hands, “I love you; of course we can….  We can go and at least find out what they can do for you.  But Sam,” Janet paused, her thumb and fingers unconsciously stroking her lips and cheek, “it’s possible only time will get you to a place where your body has healed enough to allow you to carry a child full term, okay?”

 

Sam quietly released the breath she’d been holding, “Okay.”

 

“When can we go?”

 

“Daniel says…” Sam’s voice suddenly faded, “wait, how’d you know…”

 

Janet smiled, an amused snort escaping her, “Oh please, like I couldn’t have guessed you already talked to them both about going.”  She reached to brush mussed blond bangs from her forehead, “I know you wanted to be pregnant by Christmas, sweetheart, but I think you need to admit that we may have to wait a few weeks longer than that… even if the Voyans can help you.”

 

Sam closed her eyes and pulled the hand stroking her hair to her lips, “Alright.” She whispered, kissing the palm.

 

“We might be having a baby for Christmas instead of Labor Day.”  Janet added in a mock-serious tone, “Although I know you thought giving birth on Labor Day would have been funny… in some twisted way.” 

 

Sam smiled against her hand, “It _is_ funny…”

 

“You’re weird.”

 

“And funny…” Sam raised herself enough to place a deep, lingering kiss against Janet’s lips before turning her back against her and resuming the spoon position once again, “And soon I’m gonna’ be pregnant.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Really...”

 

“Okay, sweetheart.”

 

“Really soon.”

 

“Sam…”

 

“I’m gonna be _hugely_ pregnant.”

 

“ _Sam…_ ”

 

“I love you.”  Sam tightened the arms around her.

 

“I love you too, sweetheart, now shut up already and go to sleep.”

 

Sam chuckled softly against her hair and both women sighed contentedly as an easy slumber held them in a soft embrace until morning.

 

***

 

“Cassie?”

 

The young girl slowly opened her eyes and turned them to the observation booth, “Yes, Dr. Rayne?”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Cassie smiled and rose slowly from the bed, crossing the room to sit on the chair,

 

“Listening.”

 

“To whom?”

 

“Mmm,” Cassie hummed, if a bit sarcastically, “ _whom_ indeed.”  Diane waited quietly until Cassie eventually responded, “Oh, those Cassie’s are yakking away again and I was just listening in….”

 

“What do they talk about?”

 

“Oh, school, boyfriends… stupid stuff.”

 

“So why listen?”

 

Cassie smiled, “Because sometimes they talk about something that’s actually interesting.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Cassie sighed, her patience eroding, “They’re planning a switch so the one Cassie can see…”

 

Diane watched as a range of emotions washed over the teen’s face and she suddenly rose from her place on the chair to pace the room; her arms crossed over her chest,

 

“Can see?”

 

“No one.”  Cassie muttered darkly.  She stopped to sit on the bed then seemed to think better of it and returned to her chair, “You know,” she finally said, “they talk about a lot of stuff, but they talk a lot about mom and Sam and how… how ridiculous they are with each other.”

 

“Ridiculous?”

 

Cassie closed her eyes and let her head drop back for a moment.  The two Cassie’s did seem to remark quite a lot on how much Sam and Janet loved each other.  The way they talked it seemed as though both girls held them in some sort of awe, and it angered Cassie to listen to those conversations as much as it made her heart ache that much more for the loss of her own Janet.

 

She pursed her lips together in distaste, “You know, there was this one time when I was little; I woke up one night ‘cause I had to go to the bathroom and when I passed their door I could hear…” Cassie’s breath quickened and her face flushed at the memory, “I could hear moaning.”  She shifted uncomfortably in the chair, “Back then I had this ability to project my consciousness through walls, so I could see and hear stuff that was going on in another room.”  She stopped to give a small, sly smile at the woman in the observation booth, “That ability is different now.”  She gave a small, smug snort and continued, “Anyway, I placed my hands on the wall next to their door,” Cassie closed her eyes and lifted her hands, placing them against an imaginary wall, “and suddenly I could see… Sam….  I could see her as she… as she was on top of my mother and…” Her breath came in short gasps and she quickly rose to pace the room again.

 

She had been too young to understand what she was seeing and she had stood in the hallway, open-mouthed as her conscious mind viewed the two women making love.  She watched as Sam undulated wildly, moaning, her head thrown back.  How the streetlight that streamed in through the curtains illuminated Sam’s dangling breasts and reflected the sheen of sweat on her clenching buttocks and straining back muscles.

 

But… but the sight of Sam’s body…  And the moaning…

 

It took a moment for Cassie to realize there was a hand caressing Sam’s face, and it wasn’t until she heard her mother groan Sam’s name that she finally realized it was her mother that lay beneath Sam.  It was her mother that sobbed, that cried out Sam’s name over and over.

 

She had been too young to understand the difference between pain and passion, between fear and ecstasy.  She had been scared at first.  But then, as she watched, she became mesmerized, hypnotized by the sounds, by the reflection of light off Sam’s straining body and she… she….

 

“Were you in love with Sam?”

 

 “Of course not!”  Cassie suddenly exploded, “I hate her!  _She’s the_ _reason_ my mother got killed!”

 

“Cassie, that’s not true.  It was not Sam’s fault that your mother was killed; a Goa’uld killed your mother.  If Sam had been able to prevent…”

 

“She should have prevented it by not letting her go!” Cassie shouted at the glass and threw the chair at the window of the observation booth.

 

***

 

Diane tilted her chair back and crossed her long legs at the knee, turning comfortably to one side,

 

“Trust is always paramount in a successful marriage…. Has there ever been a time when you didn’t have that?”

 

Sam pressed her lips together before finally offering, “There was that time we were infected with the Machello device….  Janet was struggling with hallucinations and I ended up being immune…” her voice drifted off as she remembered the cramped interior of that small lab, “I was trying to find an antidote but Janet was the one who needed to figure it out and when she looked at me,” She looked briefly at Janet then Diane before dropping her eyes, “She thought I was a Goa’uld, and she got scared…”

 

 _“NO!  You’re a Goa’uld!” She had shouted, terrified,_ _“Stay away!”_

_“I’m not a Goa’uld, Janet!”_   _Sam had pleaded with her, her heart breaking at the look of fear in her eyes, “It’s me, Sam, I’m your wife.”_

 

“I hated seeing that…”

 

“Sam,” Janet gave her hand a small shake, “I was hallucinating…”

 

“How about when I wrecked the bike?”  Sam cut her off, “You weren’t hallucinating then…. I was being a stubborn ass and…”

 

“That was years ago Sam, you were exhausted and not thinking clearly…”

 

“And I nearly got myself killed and scared you half to death.”  Insistent blue looked deeply into brown, “I don’t ever want to see that look of fear in your eyes ever again, Janet….  Not ever.” She finished; her voice a hoarse whisper.

 

“Sam,” Janet voice became stern and Diane watched the two women closely as Sam obediently looked at her wife, “You have never, and you will never, _ever_ deliberately do anything to hurt me, I know that.”  She squeezed her hand again, “Please tell me you know that too.”

 

Diane watched as Sam’s eyes locked on Janet’s, “I do.”  She said simply, then looked down at their joined hands and rubbed her thumb thoughtfully over the back of Janet’s for a moment.  Diane was about to speak again when Sam suddenly flinched, a small gasp of pain erupting from her.

 

“Are you okay?”  Janet asked as she rose from her chair.

 

Sam nodded, slightly breathless and pulled Janet back into her seat, “I’m okay, I just…” she took a deep breath and turned to look steadily at Janet, willing the half-seen images from her.  “Just thought I saw something, but it’s okay now.”  Sam made a visible effort to relax, dragging her fingers through her hair and sitting back in the chair.

 

“What did you see?”  Diane asked.

 

Sam averted her eyes when she answered, “I don’t know… nothing I guess.”

 

“Okay,” Diane continued, “And when you were on the other side of the mirror, Sam, and you became suicidal?”  Diane asked in a quiet voice.

 

“Dine.”  Janet murmured disapprovingly.

 

“I’m sorry, Janet, but this is something we need to discuss; Cassie is nearly grown, but if you have more children now what will _you_ do, Janet, if Sam dies?”   She stopped for a moment to gauge both women’s reaction before continuing, “It could be offworld or in an accident here at home.  Could you go on, Janet?”  She turned to the other woman, “Or can, you, Sam, if Janet is killed, say, in a car accident, could you go on with your life and raise more children?”  She watched as Sam shuddered visibly,

 

“My mother was killed in a car accident when I was young.  Children survive… I did.”

 

“But can you?”  Diane asked, “Could you raise very young children if Janet died?”

 

Sam hung her head, nodding, but tears dripped silently from her eyes, “Do we have to talk about this now?”  She begged brokenly.

 

Janet glared at Diane, but she pressed her point, “Children deserve at least one parent to raise them, don’t you agree?”

 

Unable to meet her eyes, Sam nodded and sniffed loudly.

 

“So the question remains; could you raise small children alone if something should happen to Janet?”

 

A whisper, “Yes.”

 

Diane’s eyebrows arched in disbelief, “Are you certain about that?”

 

“No.” Sam shook her head miserably from side to side, “I don’t know if I can.”  She turned brimming eyes to Janet, her voice breaking, “I don’t know if I can survive that again, Janet, losing you.”  She tried unsuccessfully to stifle a sob, then forced herself to continue, her chin trembling, “It was hard when I lost you three years ago, but when Mitchell threw me back into my old world and I lost you again,” She shook her head, “I don’t know, something inside me broke, and I….” She sniffed and forced herself to continue, “If SG1 hadn’t been able to send me back to you, I…” She turned her face away, unable to look at her, “I don’t think I’d still be alive there.”  Sam gripped the arms of the chair and struggled to look at her wife again, “I’m sorry, Janet… I…”

 

“You tore the IV from your arm when Woolsey had you confined.”  Janet said quietly, remembering the horrendous tear and surrounding hematoma on Sam’s arm.

 

Sam nodded, miserable, “When I was taken from the house and brought to the base he put me in confinement and told me I was gonna stay there until I stopped wanting to come back here.”  Tears spilled down her face, “and that’s when I tore the IV from my arm, and the oxygen…” She hiccupped, swiping at the tears, “Because I’d never stop wanting to come back…” her voice broke, “back to you… not ever, so I thought,” she sniffed, shrugging her shoulders, “then they’re going to have to kill me….” She shook her head, “That’s when they gave me the nasal feeding tube… because I wouldn’t eat…” Sam’s eyes closed at the memory; the insertion of that tube had been horrendous enough, and because Sam was restrained she was unable to pull the tube out so she resorted to pressing the back of her tongue against the tube and forcing herself to gag and vomit in an effort to choke and asphyxiate.  Unfortunately, this only resulted in Dr. Lam sedating her before pumping the gray, liquefied nutrition into her stomach.

 

Janet quickly reached a hand to cup her cheek, “Shhh, sweetheart, it’s all right.”

 

“Actually,” Diane said quietly, “it isn’t.”

 

Irritated, Janet turned to her, “Excuse me?” She demanded.

 

“I’m saying that because of who she is and what she does, Sam leads a dangerous life…. You love each other, but you both fear losing the other and while you think this is affecting Sam the most right now, outwardly at least, this fear is deeply affecting you too, Janet, and recovery… and I mean recovery for the both of you, will be slow in coming until you both recognize that you have more to deal with here than just the issue of whether or not to have more children.”

 

“But…” Janet struggled to find the words, “It’s what we do; she saves the world, and I… I save her.”

 

Dr. Rayne turned to Sam, her eyebrows raised and Sam answered her, “I save the world because that’s what I have to do.  I save it for her, but… sometimes I think I won’t be able to… to go on living, if I have to do it without her in it.”

 

“I know.”  Dr. Rayne smiled gently at her, “And it’s that fear that you both carry, that we need to talk about.”

 

***

 

“If she loved her so much she wouldn’t have let her go.”  Cassie scowled and muttered, “They were so disgusting with each other anyway.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because…” Cassie faltered and shook her head.

 

“Lots of kids think the affection their parents show each other is gross…”

 

“No.”  Cassie shook her head, “It was just Sam.  And it wasn’t just the touching… it was the looks, those looks of completely stupid adoration and…”

 

“But why was that wrong?”

 

“Because I… because…” A noise of supreme exasperation exploded from her and as she glared at Dr. Rayne through the heavy glass the blast shield abruptly came down, “Our session is _over_ for today, _Doctor Rayne_.”

 

Diane looked down in confusion at the controls on the panel and for the switch that controlled the shield and flipped the lever back and forth several times but the shield stubbornly stayed down.  Diane slowly sat back in the chair and regarded the young woman on the surveillance camera as she slowly raised her hands and smoothed back her hair, turning to sit cross-legged on the bed.  She sat calmly and Diane believed she was taking slow, deep breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth.  Diane watched her still form on the black and white screen for several minutes before rising quietly from the chair and leaving the observation booth.

 

_“Remember that horrible missile silo?”_

_“Oh, Jesus, do I ever.  And it was weird, ‘cuz I was just a kid and while I didn’t know what was happening, it was like I totally knew what was going on, you know?”_

_“I know, especially when Sam started to cry.”_

_“Yeah… that scared me.”_

_“I think the only thing that scared me more was when she left for a few minutes.”_

_“Your Sam left?  Where’d she go?”_

 

Cassie smiled as she sat on her bed,

 

“I don’t know, but she came back after a few minutes and hugged me…. Isn’t that what happened in your version?”

 

“No.  Sam stayed with me the entire time. I could hear Uncle Jack screaming at her over the intercom to come back up, and she told him I was awake and they should leave the silo.  Then she just hung on to me and kept telling me everything was gonna’ be okay.  Then… I dunno, after a few minutes she finally looked at her watch and it was all over.  It wasn’t until just a couple of years ago she finally told me she had been ordered to leave me down there but couldn’t when I woke up.”

 

“Now that is more like what happened in my version; she left for a few minutes but when she came back she called Uncle Jack and said she was staying ‘cuz I was awake.”

 

and chuckled softly under her breath,

“Huh?”

Cassie suddenly clamped a hand over her mouth and withdrew her consciousness from the conversation.  She was going to have to be more careful; she needed as much information as she could gather before she could make the jump, and the more oblivious those two were, the better.  She smoothed her hair back before lying back on the bed and closed her eyes contentedly.  Then she could kiss this place goodbye forever and that other Cassie could see what this living hell was like.

She smiled softly.  She should have died when I stabbed her but she didn’t.  Stupid bitch….  But that’s okay, I’ll kill the other one and this time I’ll do it right and I’ll finally have my mom back.  She turned on her side and sang in a low singsong voice,

“Double you pleasure, double your fun, just find me a knife or hand me a gun.”

 

***

 

“They’re here!”  Sam called to Janet as she trotted down the hall, meeting Daniel and Vala and Cassie as they came thought the door.

 

“Hey!”  Cassie ran forward, dropping her backpack on the floor as she jumped into Sam’s arms.

 

“Hey!”  Sam shouted back, laughing.

 

Cassie had been lectured by Janet not to fling herself at Sam like she used to when she was little, wrapping her arms and legs around her parent, “like a crazed monkey”.  Cassie had rolled her eyes at the phone and was inwardly tempted to roll them again.  Although, with her arms wrapped tightly around Sam’s waist it was clear to the young woman that her parent was still painfully thin and she caught the muffled grunt as she hugged her,

 

“You okay?”  She asked as she released her.

 

“Yeah.” Sam smiled at her, her blue eyes sparkling.

 

“Amazingly, there was no one at the airport.”  Daniel smiled, picking up the backpack and placing it on the couch with the overnight bag, “So we made it back here pretty quick.”

 

“Mmm, yes,” Vala shed her coat; “so we can dig into that turkey right now…” she fairly drooled as she took Daniel and Cassie’s coats from them and headed for Sam’s office, “That is,” she added in a louder voice as she disappeared around the corner, “if it’s ready yet.”

 

Janet entered the living room from the kitchen, an enormous smile on her face, “Yes, don’t worry, Vala!”  She called to her, “All we have to do is sit down and stuff ourselves.”  She gathered her tall daughter in her arms, “Hey!  How was your flight?”

 

Cassie tightened her arms around her mother and lifted her briefly off the floor, “Nearly empty… and I managed to refuse all the crappy snacks ‘cuz I knew we’d be eating as soon as I came in the door.”

 

“There’s a wise girl.”  Vala cooed, she strode to the pair and grabbed Cassie by the hand, “Did you know both Daniel and your mother make the best mashed potatoes and gravy on this planet?”  She very pointedly began pulling the young woman towards the dining room, “I could eat that amazing concoction until the bovines return….”

 

Cassie snickered, “I think you mean, ‘Until the cows come home.’”

 

Daniel stuffed his hands in his pockets and stole a look at Janet, “And _even then_ she’s not done.”  He muttered.

 

“I heard that!”  Vala called in a singsong voice from the dining room.

 

~

 

Sam brought the pies to the table and placed them both in front of Vala, “We’ll finish whatever you can’t eat.”  She said teasingly, making Daniel snort in his wine glass.

 

“Ha-ha,” Vala smiled at her, “very funny, I’ll have you know I was only going to have a taste of Daniel’s…”

 

“Like hell.”  He suddenly chimed in.

 

“And _then_ ,” She turned to him, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial stage whisper, “I was going to _steal_ the leftovers so we could have them for breakfast tomorrow.”

 

“You…” Daniel’s voice faded abruptly, “Oh… you know that probably would have worked… actually.”  Sam threw a knowing look first to Janet and then Cassie as she sat back down at the table.

 

Janet chuckled and leaned back in her chair, “Well then, while Vala is pretending to serve the pie,” Vala suddenly dropped the serving fork and desert plate she’d been holding onto the table with a thump, a sound of put-upon exasperation exploding from her, making them laugh, “Sam and I have an announcement to make.”  Making Vala raise her eyebrows and lower the dessert plate and serving fork again, “Sam and I would like to take the Voyan doctors up on their offer to see if they can help Sam… help her get her health back to a place where she can carry our child…. Which, come to think of it, they’re also going to help us with…” Janet lifted the wineglass to her lips and took a sip, her eyebrows rising as she and Sam quietly waited for their response.

 

“Finally!”  Cassie suddenly blurted, “I mean… uh”, her voice faded as Janet turned to give her a questioning look, “but that’s great, right?”  She added lamely, making Sam snicker.

 

Daniel broke into a huge grin, “Great!  When can you go?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know, Daniel,” Janet slowly lowered the glass and teasingly cocked just one eyebrow at him, “how about, oh, say, a week after Thanksgiving?”

 

It was Vala’s turn to snicker and she returned to serving the dessert, “Smooth, my darling.”  She murmured to him under her breath.

 

“You know,” Daniel turned to Sam, “you spill your guts every time, don’tcha’?”

 

Sam took the slice of pie from Vala and passed it to Cassie, who passed the plate to Janet, “She guessed, Daniel…”

 

‘Uh huh.” Daniel looked at her disbelievingly, “you’re a pushover, Sam, admit it.”

 

“Yep,” Sam beamed broadly at him as she passed another plate to Cassie, “I admit it, Daniel, I’m hopeless.”

 

~

 

“Okay, ready?”  Cassie asked, feeling a little giddy.  They were in the kitchen; Sam and Janet stood leaning against the sink, Sam’s arm draped around Janet’s shoulders and Janet’s arm wrapped tightly around her wife’s waist, “She wants to hang out for a couple of hours then we’ll switch back, alright?”

 

The women only nodded; Sam couldn’t seem to stop smiling and Cassie stifled a giggle then closed her eyes, taking slow, even breaths in through her nose and exhaling through her mouth.

 

_“Hey.”_

_“Hey!” the other Cassie smiled, “You ready?”_

_“Oh, yeah.” Cassie smiled back at her counter-part, “They can’t wait to see you.”_

_“Okay…” The other Cassie seemed to steel herself._

_“You’re not nervous are you?”_

_“Me?  No.”  The other Cassie shook her head, “No, I’m good.”_

_“It’ll be great,” Cassie assured her, “You’ll see…”_

 

Sam and Janet watched quietly as their daughter took slow, deep breaths.  Janet tightened her arm around Sam and tilted her head to steal a quick look at her wife.  Turning her head slightly, Sam looked down at her with fathomless blue eyes and dipped her head to steal a quick kiss.  When both women parted and looked back to their daughter they were momentarily startled at the look of intensity on the young woman’s face until she suddenly blinked, her face breaking into a huge grin,

 

“Hey!”  She shouted, crossing the distance between them in a bound.

 

***

 

Cassie sat stone still on her bed, only her face showed any movement as a complex shift of emotions crossed her features, surprise; that jumping her consciousness even worked, then shock; as she looked at the alternate version of her mother, vibrant and alive.  Then, as joy washed over her face she saw Sam tighten her arm around her mother and place a kiss against her lips, her smile abruptly faded and Cassie hastily withdrew her consciousness.

 

She released the breath she’d been holding in a rush and dropped back on the mattress.   _Unbelievable,_ she thought, her anger rising, _absolutely unbefuckingly-unbelievable._   Cassie forced herself to a calm she didn’t feel, consciously slowing her breath, her hands covering her eyes.  _Were they this crazy for each other in every fucking universe?_

 

***

 

It was too soon for Janet to return from taking Cassie to the airport but Sam still found herself puttering with her bikes in the cold garage, waiting impatiently for her to get home.  _I should have gone with them_ , she lamented silently.  But after Sam fell asleep on the couch the night before while playing chess with Cassie, the teen begged her to stay in bed the next morning and sleep in while Janet took her to the airport for her early 6AM departure.

 

She stood at the worktable and stared down at her tools, _I should probably go in and eat something_ , she thought and reached a hand to scrub at her face and cover her mouth while she yawned.  She gave herself a slight shake and picked up a drill bit from the table.  It had a flat blade and the center of the bit came to a sharp point; it was a wood bit, used to drill holes…. She was about to idly press her thumb over the point when it suddenly occurred to her that it resembled the end of a Goa’uld pain stick and her thumb froze in mid-air.  Her eyes closed briefly at the memories of the business end of a pain stick coming toward her.  _How many times have I been hit with one of those?_ She wondered and tossed the bit back onto the table.  She picked up a socket wrench and wandered over to her bikes, turning the wrench thoughtfully in her hands.

 

Sam suddenly stopped in the middle of the garage; the sound and feel of the clicking ratchet as she turned the handle around the inner teeth of the wrench sent a chill down her spine.  Suddenly the garage seemed a lot colder and Sam stared with growing horror at the socket wrench in her hand.  As she slowly turned the wrench it again made the sound of soft, whirring clicking.  Almost like hissing,

She turned her head to look at the shining, chrome device, “wait until you feel this inside you…”

 

Sam threw the wrench from her and stumbled backward, away from the wrench, away from the sound,

Shrieking pain gripped her as she felt her insides being torn and shredded, the sudden rush of hot blood,

 

Sam screamed and clutched her mound and abdomen through her jeans and tripped over her feet as she stumbled and fell heavily to the floor, unaware that she cried out again as her elbow struck the freezing concrete.  She crawled, clawing at the floor one-handed as she tried to regain her feet,

“It does try hard, son, doesn’t it?”  And she felt sudden, blinding pain in her hand and she screamed as she heard the bones snap….

 

“No!” She cried, sobbing now as she finally pulled herself upright and stumbled to the kitchen door.  Barely able to see her way, Sam stumbled through the kitchen and ran into one of the chairs at the dining table, sending it spinning onto its side as she tumbled to her knees,

 

_“Don’t the breasts appeal to you?”_

 

Her breath coming in desperate, ragged sobs, she scrambled to her feet again and ran blindly through the living room, knocking over an end table and sending the cordless phone noiselessly to the carpet.  She stumbled down the hall and into the bedroom, finally collapsing by the side of the bed as she tore open the top drawer in her bedside table and grabbed her Berretta.  Clutching the gun fearfully to her chest she scrambled backward along the floor until she was hunched against the wall.  Her knees drawn up to her chest, her body quaking violently, she peered fearfully around the room.  _Oh, please!_   She begged, _oh please, not this!  Not this, please!_

 

~

 

She had squeezed Cassie goodbye at the airport so hard her daughter complained she was squeezing she stuffing out of her but Janet barely heard her,

 

“Please,” she had begged her, “My brilliant daughter, please graduate early so you can come home for good, alright?”

 

“Alright,” Cassie had laughed, “But I’ll still be back for two weeks over Winter Break, okay?”

 

“No, I don’t wanna’ wait that long, Cassie.”

 

“Okay,” Cassie grabbed her for another hug, “the other Cassie and I will work on the whole teleportation thing, alright?”

 

Janet pulled back to peer at her tall daughter, “Really?”

 

Cassie shrugged, “I dunno, why not?” She grinned and kissed her mother goodbye.

 

Driving back, Janet rejected her earlier plan to stop at the store and pick up another pie, Vala having successfully absconded with the apple and pumpkin pies Thanksgiving night, and drove straight home.

 

When she pulled the van into the garage and noticed the open kitchen door she expected Sam to walk through it at any moment and was surprised when she didn’t.

 

“Sam?”

 

It wasn’t until she stepped into the kitchen and saw the overturned chair that her heart skipped a beat and fearfully she called to her again,

 

“Sam?”

 

Janet dropped her purse on the dining table and shrugged out of her coat as she rushed into the living room, dropping it on the floor behind her when she saw the end table lying on its side.

 

_“Sam!”_

She ran down the hall and flung herself around the doorjamb and into their bedroom.

 

“Sam!”  She spotted the bowed, blond head in the corner and ran to her, “Sweetheart, what is it?”  She dropped to her knees and froze when she saw the gun.  Sam turned weary, red-rimmed eyes to her and shakily placed the gun in her hand,

 

“I’m okay,” she whispered hoarsely, “I got scared, but I’m okay now.”

 

Janet placed the gun behind her on the carpet and pulled Sam to her.  She noted the clammy heat that poured from her as she stroked her tear-stained cheek, “What happened?”  She could feel Sam shrug one-sided,

 

“I remembered something… I…” Sam could feel her throat close in fear and she turned her face into Janet’s chest, “I remembered the Tian…”

 

“Oh, my god.”  Janet breathed against her hair, her eyes closing, “You had a flashback about them?”

 

“I was in the garage and I touched something, one of my tools and it suddenly felt like I was there…”

 

Janet felt her heart sink, “A quantum event?”

 

Sam shook her head, “No… I don’t think so; it was just bits and pieces. But I got scared and for a minute I thought they were in the house.”

 

Janet briefly tightened her arms around Sam then rested her head against her shoulder so Sam could look up at her, “Sam, you know SG1 and 2 killed the Tian Gang and destroyed their ship?”

 

A whisper, “I know.”

 

Janet drew a deep breath, “Oh Sam, I’m so sorry, sweetheart…” and pulled her close again, rocking her gently.

 

“It’s okay,” Sam murmured against her chest, “I’m okay now.”

 

Janet stroked the damp bangs from her face, “Okay.”

 

Sam struggled to sit up and suddenly hissed in pain.  Janet noticed the tear in Sam’s sleeve and helped her to lean against the wall again, “Easy… what happened?”  She looked briefly into her eyes as she gingerly palpated Sam’s left arm and elbow.

 

“I fell in the garage, this is probably nothing compared to,” Sam stopped to hiss in pain again, her eyes slamming shut,

 

“Sorry.”  Janet held the joint still.

 

“Compared to how I’ll feel in the morning.” She finished in a strained voice, “I hit the floor like an old woman.” 

 

Janet was silent as she quickly scanned her wife’s clothing, “You fell on your left side?”  Sam only nodded, “Does your hip hurt?”

 

“It’s a little sore; it’ll probably be stiff tomorrow.”

 

Janet shook her head, “Well, I’d rather not wait till tomorrow, if you think you can walk let’s go down to Academy so I can give you a quick…”

 

“No, Janet,” Sam struggled to stand, “Of course I can walk, I’m okay, really.”

 

“Fine.”  Janet stood and crossed her arms, “Then flex your elbow for me, please.”

 

Sam looked down into calm but determined brown and surrendered, “Fine, but we’re stopping to get pie on the way home.”

 

Janet placed a hand on her cheek, “Anything you want, sweetheart.”

 

“Banana Cream.”

 

Janet smiled and picked up the gun and returned it to the nightstand, “Absolutely.”

 

“And another pumpkin…”

 

Janet walked ahead of her down the hall, “Okay, but you don’t have to gain the weight back all in one weekend, you know.”

 

Sam followed her somewhat gingerly but she still smiled as she tried not to limp down the hallway, only now realizing that her elbow was really starting to throb, “Okay, but I…”

The air left Sam’s body from the force of the kick and she was unable to cry out.  Too weak to fight back, her body curled around itself without conscious effort on her part and she steeled herself against the rain of blows to follow.  Her muffled cries of pain were drowned out as the enraged man shouted and cursed as he kicked her again and again…

 

Janet’s heart nearly stopped in her chest when Sam screamed and when she turned she saw her fall to the floor, her hands clutching her chest,

The man pointed the gun at her and pulled the trigger.  There was a bright flash as Sam felt herself violently shoved back against the cold gray floor of the ship…

 

“No!” Sam cried as she writhed on the floor.  Janet ran to her and pulled at the hands that balled Sam’s shirt into tight fists, _“NO! NO!”_   She curled into a fetal position, shaking violently, gasping for air.

 

“Jesus, Sam!”  Janet placed her fingers against Sam’s right carotid and felt her heartbeat slamming against her fingertips, “Sam?”  Her voice shook as she fought to roll Sam onto her back and stopped short when she saw an angry, jagged red scar that ran though Sam’s left eyebrow.  “Oh my god, what…” As Janet reached to place her hand against Sam’s cheek she noticed another red scar just beneath her left ear, _OH MY GOD_ , her mind screamed, terrified, _WHAT’S HAPPENING?_

She pulled desperately at the hands that clutched the shirt, “Please, baby, please tell me what…” and managed to pull Sam’s hands a few inches from her chest. “Sweetheart,” she softened her voice, pleading; “please let me see…” Janet’s voice faded as she tugged on the hands and froze; an angry red color peered out from under Sam’s shirt.  Janet quickly unbuttoned and pulled apart the sheer, flowered blouse Sam wore and pulled down the tank top to reveal a round, angry red scar on her chest.

 

 _“Oh, Jesus…”_ Janet breathed, Sam’s eyes were screwed shut and she panted as her body continued to shake.  Janet’s hands shook as she pulled the blouse from her left shoulder and pulled down the side of the tank beneath Sam’s arm.  A smooth surgical scar lay next to Sam’s breast; a scar that would have been left by the incision Janet made when she inserted the chest tube to keep her first Sam from drowning in her own blood on the gateroom floor.

 

Janet scrambled across the carpet and snatched the phone from the bedside table and dialed 911.  After barking her request for paramedics into the phone she hung up and wrapped her arms around Sam, pulling her against her chest in an effort to ease the strain in her breathing.  She held the tense, quaking form to her,

 

“Please Sam,” she begged; “ease down, love….  Ease down sweetheart…” She tried not to rock her as she listened to the wheeze that now accompanied the breathless panting, “Please baby…” she whispered into soft, blond locks, “Please, stay with me, Sam.”  She pleaded in a trembling voice, “Stay with me now and breathe.”

 

~

 

Paramedics gave Sam oxygen on the way to the hospital and when Janet checked her vitals again in the ER she noted with relief that the wheeze was gone and her breathing and heart rate had slowed considerably.  When she felt Sam was stable she took her for an MRI, needing to check her hip and elbow.  But given the sudden appearance of the new scars on Sam’s body, Janet ordered a full body scan, needing to assure herself Sam was all right internally and to get a catalogue of her current condition.  While the technician helped Sam onto the platform Janet went into the hallway and called Diane from her cel phone.  After apologizing for calling her on the holiday weekend, Janet gave her a quick summary,

 

“Some of the scars she has now look horrendous and a few of them are extremely sensitive to touch…”

 

“Okay,” Diane said, “I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”

 

“Well, okay, but,” Janet blinked, “but she seems to be alright, and… calm now.  I’m about to give her an MRI and I need to give her a…” Janet’s voice wavered, “a rape exam… but,”

 

Diane was insistent, “No, I need to talk to you both.  I’m on my way.”

 

~

 

“ _That_ scar’s new…” She muttered.  Janet looked at the screen over the shoulder of the MRI technician in awe; it was going to take her some time to accurately catalogue the list of new scars now on Sam’s body, both internally and externally.  She now had all the scars her first Sam would have had had she survived the Tian, plus scars from all the injuries from the motorcycle accident as well as the gunshot wound in this reality from the incident with Adrian Conrad, plus…

 

“How is that possible?”  The technician asked, oblivious to the enormity of his question.

 

“It’s possible.”  Janet murmured, then abruptly turned and left the observation room, anxious to return to Sam as she exited the giant machine, “Send the films to my office.”

 

Janet helped Sam from the MRI platform and back into the wheelchair, “Well, your hip is only bruised, but you do have some very small hairline fractures in your elbow,” She handed over the icepack the paramedics had given her, “so if you’ll promise to keep icing it every fifteen minutes for the next hour and not use it to lift anything for the next few weeks then I’ll promise not to put it in a cast or a sling, deal?”

 

Sam, sighed, nodding, “Anything to stay away from fiberglass…” Janet helped place her feet on the wheelchair supports, “Please, Janet, I can walk.” Beseeching eyes looked down at her, “I’m alright, I swear.”

 

Janet gave her a tremulous smile and rose to place a quick kiss on her forehead, “I know, sweetheart.”  She pulled back to look down into a concerned shade of blue, “But you know me, I have to make sure.”  Sam nodded and Janet brushed the back of her fingers against her cheek, “Just one last exam.”

 

Sam reached to clasp the hand and drew the fingers to her lips, “I know.”  She murmured.

 

Janet took Sam down the hall to an exam room used for rape examinations.  She hated taking her there but the room was structured for privacy; there was a lock on the door and the patient lay on a soft exam bed instead of a hard table.  They entered the room alone and after Janet locked the door she pulled the privacy curtain around the bed while Sam climbed on the bed.

 

Janet draped her with a sheet from the waist down, “I just need to see if you have any scar tissue or internal damage from… from when…” Janet was suddenly unable to meet her eyes and Sam took her hand and gave it a squeeze,

 

“It’s okay.”  She murmured reassuringly then pulled her close, whispering in her ear, “But could you please touch me a little?  So it doesn’t feel like an exam?”

 

Janet hesitated a moment, then nodded, “Okay, but I still have to use the speculum, sweetheart.”  Sam’s eyes grew wide and she hurried to add, “I just have to be able to see.  I’ll be quick, okay?”  Sam nodded, resigned, and Janet set about pulling out the stirrups and placing Sam’s heels in the molded cups, taking care that the sheet afforded her as much privacy and discretion as possible.

 

Anxious to see if any scar tissue from the rapes her first Sam endured had appeared like the other new scars on Sam’s body, Janet swallowed nervously and squeezed lubricant jelly on her gloved right hand and holding the speculum in her left, looked briefly into frightened blue eyes,

 

“Easy, sweetheart.”  She whispered softly as she tentatively stroked Sam’s inner labia with her gloved and lubed fingers, “Just breathe and relax, love.”

 

“I trust you.”  Sam breathed and lay back, closing her eyes.

 

Janet’s eyes brimmed and she blinked furiously, “I know.”  She whispered, and circled Sam’s clitoris with her thumb as she worked her fingers inside.  The inside of Sam’s thighs and labia bore a profusion of faint and shallow scars that ran lengthwise from her inner walls and down her labia and inner thighs and Janet stared at them with a growing sense of dread.  Although, despite her horrific memory of Warner noting a torn perineum on her first Sam’s body, Janet could only see evidence of some faint scarring and she closed her eyes briefly in relief.  Probing deep inside, she didn’t feel any masses or keloid scarring or any other anomalies….  She could hear Sam’s breathing begin to accelerate and she slowed her fingers, then withdrew them, “Sam, did that feel okay?”

 

Sam nodded and opened smoky blue eyes, “Please,” she asked, slightly breathless, “do you have to stop?”

 

Janet smiled and stroked her labia again, “Yes, love, I’m sorry, but I have to finish and this next part will be uncomfortable but I’ll be as quick as I can, okay?”

 

The deep blue faded from Sam’s eyes and she nodded wordlessly, closing her eyes as she lay back.  It broke Janet’s heart when she saw Sam ball the sheet in tightly clenched fists.

 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she murmured again as she placed the end of the speculum against her opening, “I have to put this in now.”  She looked up to see Sam nod, her eyes squeezed tightly shut.  Her concentration total, Janet slid the metal instrument inside and when she cranked it open she heard a small cry of pain escape Sam’s tightly pursed lips, “I’m sorry…” hurrying with the penlight, she softly squeezed her inner thigh reassuringly as she looked deep within her wife’s womb.  She could see some scarring from healed-over tears and lacerations, but while she could see them she hadn’t been able to feel them with her gloved fingers and they hadn’t caused Sam any pain or discomfort when she had stroked them.  The cervix looked undamaged and Janet found herself furiously blinking again in relief as she straightened and released the speculum, pulling it carefully from Sam’s body.  She discarded the chrome instrument quietly on the tray, “Just one more exam, love.”  She murmured as she pressed the tip of her finger against Sam’s anus.  She looked up briefly and saw Sam nod, her eyes held tightly shut.  Janet turned pained eyes back to the task at hand and slid her finger deep inside.  She quickly probed for anomalies and felt only a few slight ridges of scar tissue.  As a precaution she would have to schedule a follow up exam with a scope, but she was satisfied that could wait.  She withdrew her finger and stripped off the exam gloves before turning back to quickly lift Sam’s heels from the stirrups.  Releasing a shaky breath, Sam immediately turned onto her side and curled into a fetal position on the bed.

 

“Sam?”  Janet hurried to her and when she reached to stroke her face Sam clutched at her,

 

“Please,” She whispered, “Please touch me again, Janet.”

 

“I…Sam, can it wait till we get home?”  Janet looked nervously at the privacy curtain that encircled them, not feeling any of the arousal she felt the first time Sam made this request in the hospital in spite of the locked door.

 

“Please,” Sam turned pleading eyes to her, “I need to feel just you inside me right now.  _Right now_ , Janet, please.”  She whispered harshly, “I’ll be quiet, I promise.”

 

Seeing the pain in her eyes Janet quickly reached under the sheet and felt Sam raise her leg as she slipped her hand over her mound and between her thighs.  She quickly pushed and stroked her fingers between the still lubricated folds, the digits sliding easily in the slippery depths until she could slip first one, then two fingers deep inside, making Sam sigh deeply.

 

“Shh, sweetheart,” she bent to whisper in her ear; “Just breathe now.”

 

Eyes closed, Sam bit her lip and gripped the bedrail as she undulated against Janet’s hand.

 

“It’s okay, Sam,” Janet breathed as she increased the speed of her thrusting fingers, her thumb finally stroking the hardened nerve bundle, “It’s alright to come…” And Sam suddenly stiffened, a small sob escaping her and she turned her face into the mattress as she shuddered against Janet’s hand.

 

“That’s it,” Janet murmured in her ear as she cradled her head with her free hand, “That’s it, baby….  I love you, Sam.”  She crooned, nuzzling her ear, “I love you so much.”

 

Minutes passed as Janet stayed connected to her in this way; murmuring soft words as the tremors slowed and Sam’s breathing returned to normal.  But she still moaned softly in protest when Janet finally withdrew from inside her, “All done, sweetheart.”  She turned Sam gently on her back and placed a small kiss against her lips, “Let’s go home.”

 

~

 

While a nurse helped Sam changed back into her clothes Janet left to talk briefly with Diane in a lounge area down the hall.

 

“So she _has_ remembered the Tian incident, but it was not what you would call a classic quantum event?” Diane asked.

 

Janet shook her head, “I don’t think she’s remembered all of it, and if it wasn’t for the sudden appearance of the scars I’d say this was more like what you would call a classic flashback like we’d see in PTSD cases.  Something she touched in the garage triggered the memory and she thought the Tian were actually in the house….” Janet’s voice broke and she quickly looked away and cleared her throat, “I thought she had been spared this memory.  Just this one, horrible memory… of all that she’s had to endure in this life, why couldn’t she have been spared reliving this one horrific….” She closed her eyes and shook her head again, “Why didn’t I see this coming?  I should have seen it coming, Dine…” She hissed, _“I’m her wife, I should have! I should have known!”_

 

“Janet,” Diane clasped her arm, “so much has happened to Sam throughout her career… in both realities, from what I’ve read in her file she’s been subjected to torture on numerous occasions…” Janet’s eyes brimmed and she pressed her lips tightly together, her chin trembling and Diane gave her arm another squeeze, “there was simply no way for us to know what she was reacting to.  Even she didn’t know her subconscious mind was trying to integrate the Tian episode…”

 

But Janet only shook her head in self-disgust, swiping at the few tears that stubbornly managed to escape her eyes.

 

“Tell me,” Diane asked quietly, “without going into detail; how has your sex-life been all through this period?”

 

Janet shrugged her shoulders and sniffed, “Sam and I have always been very active… in that, uh, area.”  Janet colored slightly even as her brow creased in thought, “But, to be honest, she has been a lot more… aggressive and frankly, profane in her lovemaking….  Why?”

 

Diane looked down at the petite physician, “It makes sense, as an unconscious reaction to the rapes….” Diane shook her head and clasped a warm hand on Janet’s shoulder, “We can’t wait with this Janet; you both need to come in tomorrow so we can guide her through the memory…”

 

Janet pulled away from her, _“What?”_   Her eyes fearful and pleading in spite of her outraged tone, “You can’t be serious…”

 

“Janet,” Diane stepped in close, taking the woman’s hand in her own, “I don’t know why she never integrated this memory through Quantum Integration… that would be a mystery for someone like Sam to figure out, I suppose.”  She placed a hand on Janet’s shoulder and leaned in closer, her voice dropping to a low murmur, “But I do know that this god-awful memory will continue to haunt her… and she will keep having these flashbacks and nightmares and attendant nerve-pain until she remembers it all.”  Janet’s eyes brimmed and she pursed her lips together even as she shook her head miserably from side to side, “She can never heal until she does, Janet, you know it and I know it.”  She wrapped her arm around the small shoulders, hugging her; “Together we’ll guide her through the entire experience….”

 

Janet pulled away from her, a sound that was half sob and half gasp escaping her, “She can’t, Dine,” Janet pleaded, desperate, “She didn’t just remember the beatings and the rapes; her body now has the scars from the gunshot wound, the drain _I_ inserted in _her_ chest,” her voice broke as she first tapped her finger on her chest then vaguely waved it in the air.  Tears began to stream from her eyes, “There are scars on her face, across her back…” Janet winced at the memory of seeing Sam’s back when she helped her to undress for the MRI.  The terrible scars left by the cruel beating by the Tian; one scar over the top of her right shoulder and down across her shoulder blade was so deep it was still painful.  Janet shuddered visibly, _No wonder she was flinching at flashes of movement and having so much pain…_   “That didn’t happen when she first remembered Adrian Conrad shooting her in the back in this reality, but that scar is there now too along with others my first Sam suffered.”  She gulped, struggling to steady her voice, batting away the tears one-handed, “Don’t you see?  If she remembers being shot in the chest and dying on the gateroom floor she might… she…”

 

“She might die.”  Diane finished what Janet could not.

 

Janet abruptly sat in a nearby chair and clamped her hands over her mouth but she was unable to stop the flood of emotion and muffled, choking noises erupted from her.  Diane sat in the chair next to her and placed an arm around her again, her free hand stroking her arm, “She has to remember it, Janet,” she spoke softly, “You and I both know it’s the only way she’ll ever get better.”  She pulled Janet to her until her head rested against her shoulder and she stroked her back as she wept,

 

“I can’t lose her, Dine…. I can’t.  She can’t die in my arms again, please….”

 

“Shh,” Diane whispered into her hair, “We’re not going to lose her, Janet.  I promise.”  She continued to rub her back soothingly, “We’ll have a crash team on standby but we won’t need them.”

 

Janet suddenly pulled away from her and strode to the other side of the waiting area and angrily snatched a tissue from a box on the coffee table,

 

“How do you know?”  She demanded.

 

“Because,” Diane answered her calmly, “her first quantum memory was of dying in your arms on the gateroom floor and she didn’t die then, did she?”

 

Janet’s arms suddenly dropped limply to her sides and Diane worried for a long, awful moment that she was on the point of collapse.  She finally closed her eyes in resignation and nodded, “Alright,” she sniffed, “alright, but the crash team needs to be on stand-by in the office across the hall from yours.”

 

~

 

When Sam finished dressing at the hospital she found her wife and psychiatrist down the hall and quickly crossed to Janet who stood in the lounge area looking miserable with red-rimmed eyes.

 

“Janet?”  Sam had reached to take her hand, but Janet pulled her until she was close enough to wrap her arms tightly around her waist and buried her head briefly in her chest, deeply inhaling her scent before pulling her to sit in a chair.

 

Janet sat next to her and, unable to stop shaking, held Sam’s hand while Diane explained why they needed to come back to her office the next morning.

 

Sam nodded solemnly, “We have no way of knowing, but it makes sense,” she gently massaged Janet’s hand as she spoke, “I probably would have integrated the memory like a quantum episode had I remembered it the first time I came back, but” she shrugged, “I guess it’s possible; remembering that… that time after a second return through the mirror might be remembered in a different way.”

 

Sam had looked deeply into Janet’s eyes when she agreed integrating the Tian memory was the only was to move past it so they could get on with their lives.

 

Diane gave them a ride home and as they exited the car she said, “It might sound ridiculous, but you both need to get some sleep tonight.  Sam, if you need to, let Janet give you something light to get you to sleep, alright?”

 

“Okay.”  Sam nodded as she helped Janet from the car.

 

Diane leaned across the passenger seat, “That goes for you too, Janet.” 

 

Without turning back Janet said flatly, “Absolutely not.”  Making Sam wince apologetically at Diane, but she only smiled,

 

“Be at my office at nine.”

 

~

 

The pair was quiet as Janet prepared a light dinner and Sam took her anti-nausea medication without prompting.  They ate in near silence, Janet reaching to quietly take Sam’s hand, intertwining Sam’s fingers with her own while she ate mechanically; staring down at her plate, methodically spearing the food with the fork in her other hand.  When they finished Janet changed into sweatpants and one of Sam’s old t-shirts and Sam, trying to lighten the mood put on the blue pajamas, playfully telling Janet she could always have the top later, and was rewarded with the tiniest of smiles.

 

They were curled together on the couch in front of the TV, “Are you okay?”  Janet asked as she ran her fingers through Sam’s hair.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Janet stroked her cheek with the back of her fingers as they huddled on the couch then wrapped her arms around Sam’s neck and pulling her close whispered, “You are the bravest person I know, Samantha Carter.”

 

Sam tightened the arm around her and whispered back, “Of course I am, everything I am, I am because of you.”

 

Janet pulled back to look into limpid blue eyes, “I don’t know how else to make the flashbacks and the bad dreams stop, Sam.”

 

“I know.”  Sam stopped her and pulled her close, stroking her hair soothingly, “It’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.”

 

“Promise me.”  Janet suddenly pulled back and held Sam’s face in both hands, her eyes desperate, “Promise me, Sam.”

 

Sam looked deeply into frightened brown eyes, “I promise you, with everything that I am, Janet.”  She leaned to place a chaste kiss against still trembling lips and then whispered close to her ear, “I promise it will be alright…”

 

A small whimpering sound escaped Janet’s throat and she pulled Sam to her again, the kiss more demanding this time, tongues at first tentative as they licked gently, their kisses quickly becoming more heated until they were deeply kissing each other, arousing each other with their tongues.  Hands roamed with increasing passion beneath clothing, over rapidly heating skin and taut breasts as fingers pinched and pulled painfully hardened nipples…

 

“Bed.” Was all Sam could manage as she suddenly rose; pulling Janet from the couch and dragging her by the hand she made a beeline for the bedroom.   Janet could barely keep her feet beneath her as she scrambled off the couch, grabbing for the TV remote with her free hand.  She turned toward the TV, powering it off with the remote and stumbling backward, she dropped it as she turned back to follow Sam down the hallway.  _Oh, well_ , she thought as she heard it tumble on the carpet behind her.

 

Once in the bedroom, Sam reached with her free hand to rip back the covers on the bed then spun to briefly press Janet against her, her kiss demanding, bruising Janet’s lips.  Sam reached a hand to the back of Janet’s head; pressing her even closer as her other hand roughly gripped her backside.  Breathless, Janet tried to pull back but Sam only moved the hand from her backside to her breast, squeezing painfully. 

 

A small cry escaped Janet’s lips and panting, she pleaded, “Sam…”

 

“I’m sorry.”  Sam moaned, her face twisting into one of pain, “Please,” she begged, “Please let me take you….”

 

Janet lifted Sam’s pajama top over her head, “Do it,” she breathed, and as she pushed Sam’s pajama bottoms down over her hips Sam pulled off the pajama top and roughly grabbed Janet’s t-shirt, yanking it up and over her head.  Grabbing Janet by her hips she turned and flipped her onto her back on the bed and, stepping out if the pajama bottoms pooled around her ankles; climbed on top of her.  She clutched painfully at Janet’s breasts, roughly gripping and massaging one breast while she feasted hungrily on the other.  Janet pressed her lips together against the assault, her arms wrapped tightly around her wife, holding her close.

 

“Take me.”  She whispered harshly, understanding Sam’s animalistic manhandling was a result of fear alone, “Take me, Sam; take me as hard as you can.”

 

The desperate whimper coming from the back of Sam’s throat grew in intensity and she began to sob as she devoured Janet’s breasts, gulping as she sucked long and hard on the tortured flesh.  Too impatient to finish undressing her, Sam straddled Janet’s thigh and forced her hand down her sweatpants, inside her underwear and between her legs.  Grunting with the effort, she roughly pushed one then two fingers between the folds and deep inside her wife, making Janet cry out, her back arching.  Thrusting her fingers hard, Sam grunted with each thrust while she violently humped Janet’s thigh.

 

Sam had reached her other hand under Janet’s back and gripping her hair, curled herself around Janet’s body as she took her.  Sam pounded on her and Janet held on as fingers frantically rammed inside her and she could feel the heat of Sam’s wetness when it finally penetrated her sweats.

 

“Sam,” she whispered as the desperate, violent onslaught continued, “It’s alright, baby,” she crooned, only now aware that she was crying too, “let it go, sweetheart,” she struggled to get the words out, “just come on me… it’s okay, baby.  I love you so much, just let it go….”

 

Sam continued to thrash on her, curling her fingers inside as her orgasm approached and finally her back arched and her body went rigid as she threw back her head, an anguished cry tearing from her as she finally climaxed.  Janet held and caressed her face with both hands as she sobbed brokenly, “That’s it… that’s it, baby…” Janet continued to murmur as Sam’s body shook uncontrollably.  She slid a hand inside her sweats so she could hold the hand that painfully clutched her mound, the fingers still gripping inside her.

 

Sam finally collapsed on top of her and Janet turned slightly to one side, closing her legs to keep the invading hand exactly where it was.  Sam continued to weep and Janet placed a trembling kiss against her tear-stained cheek,

 

“It’s gonna’ be alright.” She managed, her voice shaking, “It’s gonna’ be alright.”  She repeated, stroking her cheek against Sam’s, desperately hoping she was telling her the truth.

 

“I’m scared.”  Sam finally wailed quietly in a small voice, her chest heaving against her, “I’m scared…”

 

“I know, sweetheart.”  Janet whispered brokenly, tears squeezing from her tightly closed eyes, “So am I.”

 

~

 

Diane had taken care to have a warm office waiting for Sam and Janet and she hugged both when they arrived, noting Sam seemed stiff and sore from her fall and ordeal the day before.  Diane had reminded both women to dress comfortably and she noted privately that all three of them wore jeans and comfortable-looking running shoes; the rolled up sleeves on Diane’s white shirt oddly mirrored the rolled sleeves on Sam’s soft blue chambray shirt, with Janet being the odd-girl out in a dark blue polo.  After reassuring both women that a crash team was quietly playing poker in the office across the hall, she seated them in the chairs in front of her desk and gently explained how they would begin,

 

“Sam, I simply want you to close your eyes and relax, as much as possible…. Hands palm down on your lap, both feet flat on the floor,” she waited a moment as Sam obeyed, uncrossing her legs and placing both hands palm down on her lap, “That’s it.” She said softly, “You’re just going to begin with getting to the planet you were abducted from…”

 

A sob suddenly erupted from Janet and she clamped a hand over her mouth.  Sam turned to her, a small, sad smile on her face and gently placed a hand over Janet’s, pulling it from her mouth to press the back of her fingers against her lips. 

 

“Hey,” She soothed softly, tenderly wiping the sudden stream of tears from her wife’s face, “It’ll be okay...” She leaned to place a kiss on the small woman’s temple, “Easy.”  She murmured against her hair and Janet furiously wiped at her eyes,

 

“I’m sorry.”  She hiccupped, “I’m sorry.”  She repeated as Diane leaned to place the box of tissues closer to her on the desk,

 

“It’s alright.”  Diane assured her, “We’re going to take this slow.”  Janet sniffed and nodded, quickly pulling two tissues from the box to blow her nose.  Diane could see her quietly steel herself as she gripped the tissues in tightly balled fists she held rigidly in her lap.

 

“Okay,” Diane continued, “Sam, place both feet on the floor, hands palm down on your lap….” She spoke quietly, guiding Sam through a simple relaxation technique of slow, deep breathing until both women seemed to relax, if only a fraction.

 

“Sam, I want you to let your mind drift back to the planet you and SG1 were investigating when you were abducted.  I want you to see it in your mind, but I want you to remember that this is only a memory, these are only images from the past, and that you are safe, here in my office, on Earth, just you and Janet and me, alright?”  She stole a quick glance at Janet; noting the petite woman seemed unable to look at either of them.

 

“Alright.”  Sam murmured quietly, picturing the dusty village in her mind, “We had just come through the gate, and we were talking with some of the locals… nice, simple people… pre-industrial….  Daniel was talking to them when we were zatted… I think we were zatted….” Sam’s brow furrowed in concentration as her mind began to recall that day in greater detail.  She had been about to ask Daniel if he thought there likely was anything of great interest on this planet when she was suddenly enveloped in an electrifying blue haze, the painful spasm rendering her unconscious,

 

_Cold was her first sensation upon awakening.  She blinked painfully as she slowly became aware of her new surroundings.  The floor beneath her seemed to be made of cold gray steel and as she struggled to focus her eyes across the large room at the equally cold-looking gray steel walls it was the soft hum and vibration she felt beneath her that told her she was on board a ship.  She bit off a groan as she struggled to sit up, not realizing until she reached for her sidearm that she had been stripped of all her gear and had been left in her bare feet and her black fatigue pants and tank top.  Even her belt and dog tags were missing._

_A little dazedly, she looked down at the thin, steel manacles around her wrists.  What were probably magnets bulged heavily from the sides of both wrist-restraints and Sam guessed they were probably activated remotely.  As she struggled to stand a door slid open and two men walked in; both wore ornate, floor-length robes and the older looking of the two pointed a small device at her, activating it.  The manacle on Sam’s left wrist immediately slammed to the steel floor, the powerful magnet keeping her rooted to the spot, nearly breaking her wrist, making her cry out in pain and surprise._

_“You see, my son?”  He chuckled, “Already it makes beautiful noises to get hard by.  The crew would pay handsomely to have a go at this one.”_

_The younger man seemed unconvinced and he crossed his arms, a scowl on his face, “I don’t want it, father.”  He whined, “I told you I wanted the beautiful young man with the…” he outlined Daniel’s glasses in front of his face with his fingers._

_“You cannot be so exclusive!” His father turned toward him angrily, “You must have a taste for them all; you cannot always just take men….”_

_Sam struggled onto her knees; “Let me go…”_

_The older man backhanded her with a closed fist; the ornate ring on his finger slicing open her eyebrow.  She could feel her eye begin to swell shut as blood gushed from the laceration, her vision turning red before her eye swelled completely shut._

“Listen,” she gasped, “my friends…” but before she could finish the man gave her a vicious kick to the ribs, effectively stopping her from saying anything further.

_“Take your pleasure with this one first, my son.  Then, if the visitors are still on the planet by the time we have finished you may take the beautiful young man as well, but you cannot rush matters by putting this one out the airlock, understand?”_

_The young man sulked, his hands on his hips, “Yes, father.”  He grumbled._

_The father smiled broadly, “That’s my son.” He crooned, slapping him heartily on the back, “and now…” he said to Sam and deactivated the magnet on her wrist with the remote, “get up.”_

Sam tried, unsuccessfully, to blink the blood from her swollen eye as she slowly raised herself from the floor.  This time the young man stepped forward and slapped her hard across the face, then quickly backhanded her as well, his own ornate ring splitting Sam’s lips and she fell to her knees once again.

 

_“Very nice.”  Said the father as he stepped in back of Sam, and quickly pulling her hands together in back of her, activated the remote.  The manacles on Sam’s wrists slammed together, welded to one another via electromagnetism.  Sam gasped, breathless, and she tried to speak again but the older man grabbed her by her hair and jerking her head back, snarled in her ear,_

 

“It does not speak.  It only pleasures us with its’ screams…” And throwing her facedown on the floor, stomped off to retrieve a Goa’uld pain stick from a rack of weapons on the wall where Sam’s weapons also hung.  With her one good eye, she saw him return and stepping in back of her, she could feel the sharp point of the device as he pressed it into her shoulder just before activating it.

_Sam’s body arched and writhed on the floor as she screamed,_

 

“He… he p-p-p-pressed it first into the back of my shoulder, then he pressed it… he pressed it into my…” Sam paused in her narration, gripping her hands protectively over her mound and pelvic region, but she couldn’t continue and opened her eyes, gasping noises escaping her as she panted, breathless.

 

Janet stroked shaking fingers through Sam’s hair, “Shh…” She whispered, her voice breaking, “Easy, sweetheart, just breathe.”

 

Sam nodded and closed her eyes, trying to steady her breath,

 

“And then what happened?”  Diane asked.

 

“The manacles… th-the manacles,” She began again, her voice hoarse,

 

_The manacles had been deactivated again, but Sam was too weak to move her arms and she lay impotently on the floor while the two men chatted about what to have for supper.  They left briefly to get their meals and returned a short time later, sitting at a table a few feet from her, the father jovially discussing the pleasures to be taken from Sam while they ate._

_Horrified by their conversation, Sam struggled to get off the floor, but the repeated use of the pain stick had robbed her of her strength and she could only weakly crawl towards the rack of weapons that hung on the wall, making both men laugh,_

_“It does try hard, son, doesn’t it?”  The older man rose from the table and sauntered over to where Sam struggled to pull herself along the floor and promptly stomped on her hand with his boot, breaking bones in her hand and fingers, making her scream._

Shaking uncontrollably now, Sam let go of Janet’s hand she clutched so tightly to look down at her own,

 

“Easy, Sam,” Diane whispered, “You’re just remembering.”

 

Janet reached to touch Sam’s face lightly, but when Sam turned to her, her eyes were unfocused and distant,

 

“And then what happened?”  Diane asked.

 

_“Mmm.”  He smiled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Let’s get it ready…” And together the two men grabbed her arms and dragged her, gasping, to her feet and pressed her against the bars of a tall cage. While the son held her arms overhead the father activated the remote, locking Sam’s wrist manacles against the steel bars.  She blearily looked around, dread filling her as her tank top and bra were suddenly shoved up past her shoulders, under her chin.  The older man laughed as he stepped around and into the cage so he could face her._

_“Nice…” he fairly drooled, staring at her breasts as they hung through the bars, “very nice.” He repeated and stepped forward, pinching her nipples hard between his thumbs and forefingers._

_Sam’s head flew back in pain and it took all of her strength to yell at him, “FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!”_

_Mottled rage suffused the older man’s face and he stomped from the cage and ripped a long braided whip from the wall.  He shoved his son out of the way and roared as he swung the whip against her back._

_Sam cried out as the whip left a trail of fire across her back and she gasped, slamming herself against the bars and away from the whip, feeling the thin tickle of blood as it seeped from the welt where the skin had split open.  But the man’s fury had far from cooled and he struck her again and again, making her cry out with each blow.  His rage had overcome whatever expertise he had for wielding such a weapon and his blows struck Sam everywhere, across the length and breadth of her back and shoulders; the tip snaking around to her breast and abdomen on her right side.  The beating seemed endless and she eventually lost consciousness; her memory of the whipping ending when the father landed the whip hard over her right shoulder, leaving a particularly deep gash that burned and bled profusely._

_When Sam finally woke her wrist restraints had been released from the bars and her eye opened to take in the dried splatter of her own blood on the floor where she lay.  She moaned and it was the voice of the younger man she heard as he stood above her,_

_“It’s awake, Father.”_

_Sam’s throat was so dry she could only make a rasping sound as she begged, “Please… water.”_

_“Better give it some, or we won’t have it to play with for very long.”_

“And what’s wrong with that.”  The young man muttered as he roughly yanked Sam’s bra and tank top down over her breasts and torn and bloodied back, making Sam moan in pain and his father laugh.

 

“What’s the matter,” he chided, “Don’t the breasts appeal to you?  They are quite a nice handful, my son.”

 

But the young man only snorted in contempt as he viciously kicked Sam’s hip to turn her over, a dull moan escaping her.  He grabbed her by the hair and yanked her head back, pouring water into her open mouth and she gagged as he tried to pour the water down her throat.

 

“Hey!” the father laughed, “Slow down, or you’ll drown it!”  But the son ignored him and continued to pour.  Sam choked and gagged until the father finally stalked over and angrily knocked the flask from his son’s hand, “Stop!  You will find pleasure in this one!  And so will I!”  He shouted.  “Help me.”  He commanded and together the two lifted Sam from the floor by her arms and dragged her to the table, draping her torso across the top, her legs hanging limply towards the floor.  The son pulled her hands to a metal plate embedded at the far side of the table and the father activated the magnetized manacles, locking them to the surface.  Sam licked her chapped lips and realized, with growing dread, what the whipping had prepared her for.  The son reached under her and first unbuttoned then unzipped her black fatigue pants and yanked the pants and underwear down to her ankles.

 

_“N-N-NO!”  She struggled against the manacles, held fast to the table, “No-uh!”  She cried out as the son slammed his fist against her shredded back, knocking the wind out of her.  He struck her three more times just beneath her ribs, effectively stopping her struggles and making her retch and dry-heave._

_“Easy, son,” she distantly heard the older man croon, “Now, always remember to wear a sheath when you’re inside one of these… you never know what kind of disease it may carry.”_

 

Gasping for air, Sam bolted from the chair she was sitting in and stumbled across Diane’s office, seemingly headed for the door, but she groped blindly; tortured, whimpering noises escaping her.  She ended up collapsing against the far wall and sank to the floor, her body huddled in a tight ball and both hands covering her face as she wept.

 

Janet had followed, calling to her, but Sam couldn’t hear her as she sank to her knees beside her and when she reached to stroke her face and hair, she flinched.

 

“Easy, sweetheart, it’s just me.”  Janet tried to soothe her but Sam only looked around her fearfully, her eyes glassy and unfocused.  Janet’s heart sank; Sam had completely retreated into the memory of the Tian.

 

Diane sat on the floor behind Janet and murmured, “And then what happened, Sam?”

 

Her body shook uncontrollably and Janet and Diane could barely hear her when she finally whispered,

 

“They… they…” Sam covered her face, an agonized cry breaking from her.

 

Janet reached to soothe her again but Sam flinched away from her touch, “Please, sweetheart…” she begged.

 

Diane placed warm, gently restraining hands on the small woman’s shoulders,

 

“And then what happened, Sam?”

 

Sam pulled the hands from her face into fists and pressed them briefly against her mouth in an attempt to slow the desperate, ragged breathing. Tears spilled from her eyes as she struggled to catch her breath and a choked sob broke from her,

 

“They…”

 

_They raped her, repeatedly; first she heard the father pull on a condom with a snap and brutally pulling Sam’s buttocks apart, plunged into her, making Sam cry out.  She sobbed brokenly as he cruelly thrust inside her, laughing as she cried.  It seemed an eternity before he finally ejaculated with a shout in his sheath and pulled from her.  Roaring his satisfaction he clapped his son on the shoulder,_

_“You next!”_

Sam tried not to cry out when the son forced his way inside her, but neither man had used lubricant of any kind and the pain made her sob and cry out in agony with each thrust.  He rammed himself inside her repeatedly, endlessly, until she heard the son beg,

_“Please Father…”_

_The sound of disgust from the older man was explosive, “you disappoint me, my son… very well.”_

_Sam drew a ragged cry of relief as the son finally withdrew from her, only to scream when he suddenly plunged himself in her rear channel.  His thrusting was maniacal and he laughed cruelly, gripping her hip with one hand and her hair with the other and he shouted in triumph when he finally ejaculated in his sheath, inside her._

_The father raped her twice more, the son once more after that and when he finally released the manacles and her now broken wrists from the metal plate in the table with the remote, she slid bonelessly to the floor._

 

“I don’t know how long I lay there; it may have been more than a day.  After…” Sam’s voice dropped to a whisper, her face a mask of pain, “after raping me the father would give me water… so I wouldn’t die too fast.”

 

Janet held one of Sam’s hands to her lips and sobbed silently, but Sam couldn’t feel her and she couldn’t see the room, her unfocused eyes peering dimly into remembered darkness.

 

Diane gently stroked Janet’s back as she murmured quietly,

 

“And then what happened?”

 

Janet closed her red-rimmed eyes in silent anguish and slumped against Diane’s hands as she clutched Sam’s limp hand against her cheek.

 

“I lay in darkness…”

 

_She lay very still, staring blankly at the dark, her mind effectively shut down until the son returned, activating the harsh lighting, making her eye slam shut against the glare._

_“Get up.”  He demanded, kicking her in the back._

_Sam hardly moved and a sound of utter disgust erupted from the young man as he walked around and stomped on Sam’s other hand, breaking two more fingers, finally making her cry out._

_“I said get up!”  He shouted and grabbing her by her hair, pulled her into a kneeling position long enough to backhand her.  But his aim was low and the blow would have missed her entirely if not for the remote device he held in his hand, the pointed end of it slicing Sam across the neck, just under her earlobe, severing it at the base.  Blood bathed her neck as he dragged her across the floor to the bars of the cage, and wrapping an arm around her waist, lifted her into a standing position against the bars.  Placing first her right wrist against the bars and activating the magnetic lock, he then raised her left hand and activated that one as well, suspending her once again, her arms spread wide.   Sam moaned weakly as she struggled to stand and take the weight off her wrists._

_“I am ending this.”  He muttered mostly to himself as he stepped to the wall of weapons and implements of torture.  Sam’s head lolled as she heard an odd, ratcheting noise that almost sounded like the hiss of a Goa’uld._

_“No…” She whispered; her voice faint._

_The son snorted in contempt, “Do you even know what this is?”  He snarled behind her, close to her ear, “It’s very shiny, at the moment…” And he thrust what looked like a foot-long, multi-segmented chrome centipede close to her face.  He held the metallic device this way and that, tilting it so she could see and hear the many-segmented parts as they moved, like a hissing snake, undulating back and forth.  The dozens of legs that flowed from either side of the device looked like sharp hooks and Sam looked at them in horror, fear closing her throat._

_“Wait until you feel this.”  He whispered silkily and rubbed the writhing metal thing against her bare backside, “Just wait until you feel this inside you,” he whispered hotly in her ear.  He placed the device against her opening and it began to crawl up inside her, the tiny hook-like legs piercing her flesh, cutting her and a deep sob broke from her as her head dropped back and she screamed raggedly, her body arching and writhing in agony._

_The centipede-like device had crawled part way into her vagina, ripping and tearing her inner thighs and already raw, inner walls and Sam could feel hot blood running down her legs in a gush when the father suddenly burst into the room,_

 

“NO!”  He shouted and grabbed the device, ripping it from Sam’s body, making her scream again and slump against the bars,

 

“No!” He scolded his son, “You don’t use this until you’re done fucking it, once that’s in it doesn’t come out, it tortures from the inside; it pleasures, it burns, it finally rips and tears until it convulses and bleeds to death.  It’s the ultimate in pleasuring yourself as you watch” He handed it back to his son, “and then you must remember to remove it before you discard the carcass out the airlock… it’s the only one we have.”

 

Janet still knelt at her wife’s side, holding her hand to her chest as she sobbed, her body shaking violently and Diane sat behind her, her arms wrapped firmly around her.  Sam sat limply against the wall; her face and neck were tear-streaked, but now she spoke in a flat monotone and Diane asked quietly,

 

“And then what happened?”

 

“An alarm went off...”

And the father reached to snatch the remote device from his son, releasing Sam’s wrists from the restraints and she fell heavily to the floor as they ran from the room.

_Slowly, deliberately, Sam bit her swollen and blood-caked lip in an effort not to groan or cry out as she strained to pull her pants and underwear back up over her bloodied legs and backside and around her waist, although she lacked the strength to fasten the button or zip the zipper.  She lay there, her breath coming in painful gasps as willed herself to get up and go home to Janet when she heard the sound of distant gunfire, faint to her ears.  Suddenly, the father burst back into the room in a rage, and after stopping to scream obscenities and kick Sam repeatedly, he rushed to the wall of weapons and yanked her sidearm from the holster._

_“YOU!”  He screamed at her, “It’s all because of you!”  He roared and when she turned her head minutely, she found herself staring down the barrel of her own gun._

 

“There was a bright flash,” she whispered breathlessly and suddenly slammed back against the wall, making both women start.  She had yanked her hand away from Janet’s, both hands now clutching the unseen wound on her chest, “I couldn’t breathe…” Sam slumped to the floor, curled in a fetal position, her hands clutching her chest, _“I couldn’t breathe…”_ she gasped painfully.

 

Janet crawled, scrambling, to get to her wife, “Oh no,” she begged, “Oh please, Sam,” she begged as she crawled to her and gathered her in her arms, “Oh please, sweetheart,” she whispered as she rocked the gasping woman, “please don’t leave me.”

 

But Sam couldn’t hear her as she gasped and choked and Diane felt panic rise within her as she watched Sam’s face turn an awful red-purple color, _“and then I…”_ Sam struggled to breathe as she rasped, _“and then I…”_

 

Janet lifted her eyes to Diane’s, tears streaming down her face, “Get them.”  She begged, desperate, “Dine, please…”

 

Diane inched forward and shakily smoothed damp bangs from Sam’s brow,

 

“And then what happened, Sam?”  She asked quietly.

 

Sam suddenly slumped in Janet’s arms and released a long, slow breath.  Janet froze, a look of utter horror crossing her features as she stared down at Sam’s limp body.  The horrible moment finally passed and she pulled Sam close against her and began to rock, her shoulders quaking as she silently wept.

 

Diane’s throat had gone dry and she hoarsely whispered again, “And then what happened, Sam?”

 

Sam’s limp form lay still in Janet’s arms.

“And then what happened, Sam?”

“Oh, Jesus, Dine, please,” Janet moaned, “she’s not breathing…”

Mustering all her willpower, Diane softly cupped the petite woman’s face in her hands and looking steadily into desperate, red-rimmed eyes, asked,

“And then what happened, Sam?”

A long moment passed in silence between them until Janet’s eyes finally closed in anguish.  Diane silently stroked her face, fingers smoothing over cheeks and eyelids as hot tears spilled from her eyes and over Diane’s gentle hands.

 

“And then I woke up.”

 

The words were whispered so quietly Janet felt more than heard them against her shoulder,

 

“There was light….  It hurt my eyes and I could feel fingers stroking my hair… my face.”  Sam turned her head slightly to look up into her wife’s eyes, “You were there.”  She whispered wonderingly, and reached a trembling hand to touch Janet’s tear-stained face, “It was the most beautiful face I’d ever seen…. It had been so long… I had missed you so much… and yet, it seemed as though I had only been away for a moment….”

 

Janet was absolutely still, holding her breath as she looked down at her.

 

“I thought, I must be dreaming… or maybe I died and I was in heaven.”  Janet finally sniffed, trembling.  Grunting softly with the effort, Sam struggled to wrap her arms around her wife and tucked herself under Janet’s chin, “Turned out I was right.”  She murmured against her neck.

 

A sound that was half-sob and half amused snort erupted from Janet and she pulled Sam tight against her.  Diane sat with them for a long time; her arms wrapped around both women as she silently rubbed Janet’s back and shoulders while the petite woman rocked her wife in her arms and wept.

 

~

 

Diane moved the couple to the couch and after checking both women’s vitals, left them to rest while she went across the hall to dismiss the crash team, then called Daniel and Vala.  Without going into explicit detail, she summarized the events of the previous forty-eight hours leading up to the outcome of the morning’s session, explaining that the emotionally drained and bone-weary couple needed comfort and care at home until Diane could see them again the following morning.  While they waited for them to arrive and ferry Sam and Janet home Diane encouraged both women to drink some hot tea. When she saw how hard the small woman’s hands were shaking Diane sat on the coffee table and helped steady the mug.

 

“I’m fine.”  Janet insisted.

 

“Just let me help, okay?”  Diane muttered, making Sam grin exhaustedly,

 

“She’s a horrible patient.”

 

“Doctors usually are.”  Diane smiled back at her, “I’ve asked your friends, Daniel and Vala to come ferry you and your car home.  I’ve also asked them to spend the night with you…” Diane hurried as she sensed Janet’s rising objections, “and I will brook no argument from you, Janet.  I am not circumventing your role as Sam’s primary caretaker, but right now I am physician to you both and neither one of you is in any shape to drive let alone make dinner tonight….” Sam reached to clasp Janet’s hand in her own and Diane took the other, “You’re not, Janet, not today… I am sending you home to rest; then tomorrow morning I need you both to come back…” Panic flashed in their eyes and Diane reached to clasp Sam’s hand as well, “Your therapy isn’t over, Sam.  But I promise you,” she spoke intently as she squeezed both women’s hands firmly, “It _will_ get easier after today, alright?  Your sleep and appetite will improve and you _will_ begin to heal, Sam.”  She turned to look deeply into red-rimmed, brown eyes, “You both will.”

 

~

 

After getting their permission to explain Sam’s integration of the Tian memory in greater detail to Daniel and Vala, when the couple arrived Diane took them to the office across the hall.  Sam sat slumped on the couch and Janet sat her now empty tea mug on the coffee table,

 

“Will you stay in therapy with me?”  Sam asked bluntly, her voice soft.

 

Janet had slipped off her shoes and sat with her legs tucked under her, “Yes, sweetheart, of course I will.”  She pulled Sam against her, tucking her head under her chin, wrapping her arm around her and holding Sam’s hand against her heart,

 

“Good,” Sam sighed and closed her eyes, “Cuz’ I think I’m gonna’ be coming here for a while.”

 

Janet squeezed her eyes shut tight even as she pulled Sam tighter against her, “I know.”

 

“I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to finally get to this place.”

 

Janet sniffed, “Considering everything you’ve been through, I’m just… I’m just…” her voice wavered and her eyes brimmed once again and Sam pulled her down for a deep, lingering kiss.  Both were slightly breathless when they finally parted,

 

“I can take it.  I can take all of it, Janet.  I can face anything as long as I have you.”

 

Tears spilled from her eyes and Janet pulled her close, “I know sweetheart, I know.”

 

~

 

Diane was gone for nearly half an hour, both Daniel and Vala were so upset she had to comfort and calm the couple, explaining that their friends were on the road to recovery, but what they both needed, for that night, was not to be left alone.  Both had readily agreed and collected themselves only to burst into tears again the moment they entered Diane’s office.  She watched quietly as the one couple tearfully hugged and kissed the other.  She wasn’t entirely certain she had made the right decision calling them until she saw Vala firmly wipe the tears from her eyes and take command of the group, her husband included.  After asking Diane for specific instructions for both women’s care and Diane’s business card and cel phone number she herded the group to their cars, assuring Diane that she would deliver both patients to her the following morning.

 

~

 

Once home Daniel and Vala led both women to the couch, removing their jackets and shoes. Vala tucked a comforter around them both while Daniel prepared soup and crackers and more hot tea.

 

Vala sat on the coffee table and clasped both women’s hands in her own,

 

“How awful for you, Sam.”  She murmured, and then turned to Janet, “How awful for you both.”

 

Sam nodded, her eyes closing, “I’m glad it’s over.”

 

“Your Doctor Rayne did say it should be easier tomorrow.”  Vala added hopefully.

 

“It will be.” Janet gave her a tired smile, her eyelids drooping.

 

“Well,” Vala slapped her knees as she rose, “we had better get the two of you fed before you fall asleep out here.” and trotted off to help Daniel serve lunch.

 

“You okay?”  Janet murmured, her eyelids heavy as she peered exhaustedly at her wife’s closed eyes.

 

“Um hmm.”  Sam murmured back, but Janet had already drifted off.

 

~

 

Vala and Daniel gently woke the couple, insisting they both eat before tucking into bed for the afternoon.  Vala assured them she and Daniel would only let them sleep a few hours before waking them for dinner, then sent the pair off to bed.  Sam wearily shut their bedroom door and mirroring Janet as she undressed; shed her clothes as she shuffled to the bed, leaving her jeans, shirt, socks, bra and underwear in trailing heaps on the floor behind her.

 

They climbed under the covers and Janet wrapped her arms around her wife, tiredly entwining her legs with Sam’s.  As weary as she was, she couldn’t shake the image of Sam struggling to raise her battered body from the floor of the Tian ship.

 

“You okay?”

 

Janet nodded, pressing herself close, “I can’t stop picturing you on the floor of that ship.”  She shuddered slightly, “I guess that’s why we need to keep seeing Dine for a while.”

 

Sam hugged Janet tight against her and mumbled against her hair, “I just wanted to come home to you.” She inhaled the scent of her shampoo, “I just wanted to come home to you.”  She repeated.

 

“You did, sweetheart.”

 

“I’m so grateful, Janet… I’m so lucky.”

 

Janet felt her eyes brim, “Lucky.”  She snorted and pulled back to gaze in her eyes, “Why, Colonel honey,” she drawled and sniffed, “Afta’ all you have been through…”

 

“I am lucky, Janet,” Sam insisted, “I’d gladly endure anything to be with you.”

 

Janet sniffed again and placed a trembling kiss against Sam’s mouth, “I know.  I love you, Sam.”

 

Sam smiled and yawned, “Mmm, I love you too.” She blinked sleepily, “Can we still go to PeredaVoy?”

 

“Yes,” Janet entwined her fingers in blond locks, “I think we’re really ready now….  I also want to see what procedures they have for scar reduction and if they can help resolve the nerve pain in your shoulder.”

 

“Really?”  Sam asked, curious, “Maybe they can get rid of the scar on my face.”  She reached to finger the scar through her eyebrow, “I hate this one; it makes me look like Jack O’Neill.”

 

Janet pulled the fingers to her lips and smiled, “Whatever you want, sweetheart.”  She said, massaging the fingers, “Sam?” She asked hesitantly.

 

“Hmm?”  Sam’s eyes had drifted closed.

 

“Are you okay with me touching you, being so close?”

 

Sam’s eyes opened, the deep blue reassuring her even before she spoke, “Of course, why?”

 

Janet paused to take a deep breath, “I guess part of me is afraid you’ll feel the hands of the Tian on you now…”

 

Sam closed her eyes and smiled, placing Janet’s right hand against her breast and the left against her cheek, “My first sense memory has always been of your touch, Janet.  Always.”  Sam pressed her palm briefly against her lips before she continued, “There has never, ever, in my whole life been anything more familiar than your touch… the feel of your hands on me.”  She slid her hands down and around Janet, stroking her back, “Of my hands touching you.”  She tucked Janet under her chin, murmuring, “Nothing else has ever healed me, or comforted me more.”

 

***

 

She smiled as she snuggled under the covers.  It was going to take some time but it would be worth the wait… and when she finally made the jump her dream would finally come true.  Ironic, after all her study and listening, it would still come down to recognizing and seizing the first opportunity she had to kill Sam and take her mother through the gate to a new life together.  She really didn’t care about the particulars of how she would kill this other Sam, whatever she could get her hands on she’d be happy with.

 

Cassie hummed softly, when she stabbed the Sam of this reality the sensation had been overwhelming, she felt so good, so alive.  Her head swam dizzily and she felt tingling sensations all over and… and throbbing…

 

Cassie nearly giggled with the memory, it was like sense memory; how the knife felt in her hand, the feel and sound as the blade impacted and sunk into Sam’s body.  The sounds of pain as Sam screamed in agony, the gurgling sounds she made when Cassie finally stabbed her in the throat.  The sensuous feel of hot blood as it flowed over her hands from Sam’s wounds.

 

Cassie squeezed her legs together under the covers, her smile beatific as she remembered the beautiful, oddly exciting sounds of Sam screaming and screaming….


End file.
